we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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