Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
