I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
