my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
