Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
