I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
