Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
