Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
