I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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