highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
