That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
