she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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