you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
