Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
