Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
