the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
