he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
