whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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