6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
