you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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