I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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