I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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