I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
