That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
