??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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