In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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