I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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