Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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