Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
