They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
