My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
