Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
