ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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