I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
