Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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