her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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