thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
