I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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