Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
