Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
