Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
