My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
