girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
