I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
