i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize