He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
