i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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