TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
then he tried to convert me to islam
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
