that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
