At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
