I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
