I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
