I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
