forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Houston, we have a blender
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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