dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
