I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize