i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
