Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
