so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize