I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
