I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
porn star boner night. come get it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize