I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
