I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
