I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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