i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize