It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
